Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Crumbling walls...

I am tired and ready to just be done. I have all these walls up to protect myself and they do a pretty good job. Every now and than something will get over the wall, but most of the time I can handle it. Jon and I just celebrated our 10 year anniversary. I can't believe it has been 10 years. It has been a bitter sweet time for me though. I have sat and thought a lot about our 5 year anniversary. We were right in the middle of infertility and I was a mess. I felt like I had no other options and just wanted to give up. Nothing was fair. Everyone else had what i wanted. Why couldn't it be just a little bit easier for me? As I laid in bed the night of our anniversary in Vegas while Jon was sleeping all those same feeling came over me and I cried for a few hours. The past few months have been so stressful and as much as I have relied on the Lord and kept my "walls" up I feel like I have been continually beaten. Tonight the walls are crumbling. I can't do it by myself anymore.
I have a beautiful son who means the world to me. We waited 8 1/2 years for him and every single heartache and tear is worth the time I have had with him already. I have been ready for another baby for awhile and have struggled with everything that needs to be done. Getting the paperwork done... doing the homestudy... painting this marvelous picture of our family so we can go out and "sell" ourselves. I feel like it is time, but I have no motivation to get it all done. Is that the Lord's way of telling me it isn't time or what? I am frustrated. Why can't I just be the one that says it is time for another baby and a few months later we can announce we are expecting. I know that I must have signed up for this plan in heaven and I am sure there is a reason for everything, but this is one of the walls. The wall that smiles at someone when they announce they are expecting. Or acts excited when a baby is born. It can only last so long and I am not going to be the one that is a jerk about it. No one understands and I can only hear so often that in the Lords time will it happen. I already know that. Do you think it is easy?
We have been so blessed with jobs that can support our family. I have the best job in the world. They have been there for me for 3 years. Allowed me to bring JT to work for the first 18 months of his life. Jon has been blessed with some great jobs and I am so thankful that we haven't had to struggle too much. The time has finally come that Jon is going back to school. We have tried multiple times in the past 10 years for him to go to school and it has NEVER worked out. Not that we haven't tried. It just hasn't been time. We now feel it is time and of course it comes right at the time that we bought our house and want another baby. See where my problem is? I am never going to be able to stop working. I was always the person that wasn't going to work when I had kids. It was something we felt strong about. Now JT is going to a babysitter all day while I work and when we get home he isn't the happy boy he is all day. So I feel so impatient (after working an 8 hour day) and feel like I am constantly getting frustrated with him. That isn't fair to him and I feel like a horrible mother. Jon wants to go into law which will take us away from Hurricane. :( I can't even begin to talk about that. Eventually we are going to go to a different school which means I have to leave my home. I don't know if I am just being a very big baby, but why is everything bothering me so much. I am 100% behind Jon in what he wants to do, but why does it all have to happen at once. Why can't it just be easy?
Remember those walls? They are crumbling tonight and I am sitting here with aching empty arms watching my little boy play and missing my husband and just feeling sorry for myself. So just let me wallow in my sadness for awhile and be patient because I am sure in a quick amount of time I will be back and I will have built the walls even higher... "Just in case"


The Strattons said...

oh hun, your not a baby! all of what you are feeling is totally understandable! if you really ever need a shoulder, im here!

Ty * April said...

It's not easy because how would we learn and grow if it was? Trust me, it has taken some pretty tough trials for me to realize that they put are there for me to realize just how strong I truly am. When you look back on this time of your life you are going to be amazed at what a strong and amazing wife, mother, person, woman you are.
I do understand to a point how you are feeling. I remember thinking how can they have kids when they don't take care of the ones they have. Why can't I have them who would love them to pieces?
It was even harder to hear about people having babies and not be upset, but it wasn't their problem I couldn't have my own, and so I tried to be happy for them. But I think what hurt the most out of all of that was finding out from everyone else that my "friend" was having a baby and didn't tell me.
I am so sorry you have it all hitting you at once. There have got to be some pretty tough moments. I am still here if you ever need to vent. It's an open invitation. :)
And if I can help any more with the adoption process for you let me know.

The Lemmon's said...

I think you are very justified in feeling the way you do. We all have times of feeling overwhelmed and it sounds like there is a lot you are dealing with right now. I wish I could help ease it somehow, but as much as I can see you are hurting I really don't understand enough to help (as much as I really want to). So no advice, just know I am praying for you!!

Heidi said...

I ditto most of what April said. :) You will look back on this and really realize how strong you have become. Pray a lot which I'm sure you are, and go visit the big white house. ;) Hang in there.

Lenzi said...

You can wallow in your pity hun! I wallow in mine every week or so when I think about all the time I spend away from my JJ... and I know the school sacrifices too. I always thought I would be home with mine also.. this time of year has been really hard with the holidays coming and just seeing all day in and out of work moms with their kids going here and there, and I am stuck at work while my kid is being cared for by someone else. And just as a general pick me up when I am feeling beat down and dragged.. I always tell myself to remember what Christ has promised "those who are first shall be last, and those last shall be FIRST".... your time WILL COME. If not in this life, always remember there is eternity to come :) Love ya girl, and always remember, not many people truely know what you are going through, but lots of people love you...empathy,love and friendship always comes in a close second!