The Good and the Bad

Sitting at work today I was struggling. I still have bad days... I am not perfect. Actually not even close. Remember my last post? Patience? Well this girls is still trying to learn patience. The first 7 years of our marriage while we waited to have a baby were difficult. I surrounded myself with friends and their kids that I could try to help fill the void. It worked for awhile. Then JT came... that beautiful little boy that I had dreamed about. It was a quick process. 6 months - from the time we started our paperwork to the day he was placed in my arms. At that moment nothing else in the world mattered. My life was complete... or so I thought.

Fast forward a few years. JT is about to turn 3 and Jon and I had been mulling around the idea of adopting again. Deep inside I just wished I would have gotten pregnant. Just for the fact that I knew I had learned enough patience the first time around. ;) The Lord said, "I don't think so" Many of you know it took quite awhile to get that darn paperwork done. I just didn't feel like it was time. A year passed and I finally felt that little nudge... well big push. The rest went so fast. Home visits, interviews, online profile, and setting up our adoption blog. We were finally approved at the beginning of June. JT turned 3. All of the sudden he isn't my baby anymore. He still whines and refuses to poop in the toilet, but he is independent and will only cuddle with me when he doesn't want to go to bed. My arms started to ache for another baby. I know the Lord has more planned for us. Multiple blessing has confirmed this to me, but it is always in the Lord's time. See the problem? TIME... the thing that I am not good with. Although I am crazy busy with working full-time and going to school full-time and being a wife and mother, I still have down moments during the day where my brain will not stop thinking about our next baby.

The beginning of September we received an email from a birthmother. She told us a little about herself, the reason why she was putting her baby up for adoption and that she really liked us. It was our birthdays and Labor Day so we sat at the mountain in anticipation of the email we would have waiting for us when we got home. We kept it secret from everyone except my parents and siblings. Monday we raced home to find no email. A few days later... no email. A month and a half later... no email. So now I had gotten my hopes up (despite trying not to) just to have them crushed. A few weeks ago our old adoption agency informed us of a situation of a birthmother that was actually due this month. Problem though... we would have to come up with close to $22,000 dollars. Yeah not even an option. The night I got the email I almost felt like Satan had dangled something in my face just to get my hopes up again. I am sure that isn't the reason, but that is how I felt. Now I just sit here today wondering, hoping, and praying that I can survive this second time around.

Don't get me wrong... I am so thankful for everything that I have. I seriously have the most amazing husband, he stays at home with JT and is going to school and loves me despite my weaknesses. JT is my miracle baby... most days I look at him and just wonder why I am so lucky to be chosen as his mom. I don't feel worthy of him. My family is so supportive and I love that I am close to be with them. I have my own home and cars that work. I am able to juggle my job and going to school. Something I never thought I would be able to do.

I have my good days and my bad days. The good outweigh the bad, but I am still human. Not quite a stepford housewife yet! ;)

Longing...

Have you ever wanted something so bad that your whole body and soul longs for it? That ONE thing in your life that tries your patience. It keeps you up at night and takes up every nook and cranny of your brain. After waiting 7 years to finally get my miracle child I thought I was at a point that I would be content. JT is the one thing that I have ever wanted. 3 years later and I find myself waiting again. I wish I could say that I would be happy with just one child, but something inside me knows that there are more children meant to come to our family and for some silly reason the Lord really wants to teach me patience. You would have thought I had learned the first time around huh? Well... I guess not. Patience is that vice that just rocks me to my core. It chews me up and spits me out during my darkest moments. President Monson's talk last Sunday on gratitude really woke me up. I sat there sobbing while holding JT. There I was... wanting something so bad while taking for granted the one thing I had been blessed with. I came across a thought from President Uchtdorf about patience... I think I will blow it up big and post it around my house.

"Patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can--working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well! Patience means to abide in faith, knowing that sometimes it is the waiting rather than in the receiving that we grow the most."

I am hoping now that I have a somewhat renewed strength and will to be patient I can overcome or learn just what the Lord's wants me too. I know wanting children is a righteous desire, but we also have to remember it is in the Lord's time and I guess that is the part that I struggle with the most. :) My arms are ready for another precious child. So Heavenly Father whenever you are ready... send them on down.