Tuesday, July 1, 2008

No Sleep

It is 1:30 and I can't sleep. I have so much going through my mind right now. Why can't life be easy? I wish everything fell into place. I have had to deal with my share of trials. I am thankful for everyone of them, but sometimes I wish they would stop for just a second so I could breath. My biggest trial has been infertility. I am not going to vent about it, I just have to talk for a second. I have my good days and I have my bad days... and today was a kind of an in between day. I am blessed with a wonderful husband who puts up with me. :) If it weren't for him holding me up the first 7 years of our marriage I would have probably given up. I am also blessed with a wonderful friend, Judy, who has adopted all five of her children. She understands exactly what I am going through and I can call her at any time and talk or just cry. A year ago a special spirit was placed in my arms. JT has brought so much joy, peace, love, happiness, and a wonderful feeling to our home. I can not thank his birthmother enough for the huge sacrifice she made by letting him go. There will always be a special place in our hearts for her. As I watch JT grow up I see little parts of her and it always reminds me what she did for us. Jon and I have started to think about a second child. This brings back all the anxiety, stress, and worry that I had during the first 7 years. I always thought before we got JT that once we had him it would all go away and everything would be perfect. Judy has told me over and over again that those feelings... the longing to carry a child... to give birth...for it to just be "easier"... will never go away. As much as I supress them I can never get them deep enough. I don't want to sound like I am ungrateful because I am not. I love JT with everything that I have. I am just having one of those days... and sometimes it helps to talk it out. Thanks for listening to those who read this. I think now I can sleep and finally let my head stop. Here are a couple of pictures of my precious angel. He is growing up so fast and we love to do "big boy" things with him.

Daddy wants a dirt bike and so does JT. :)

Not quite ready for the slide. LOL

Check out my "new" face. He makes this face all the time while sniffing his nose.


The Meis' Family said...

You should've called I was up packing. The slide picture is so funny! I have the cutest nephew around that's for sure.

Goodrich said...

You are a wonderful woman. Heavenly Father and our Savior know exactly what you are going through, they are always there for you. I don't exactly know what you are going through, but I have had a few trials myself and that is what I have learned- You are loved more than you can ever imagine and God will continue to bless you in other ways, maybe not to carry one yourself, but to be a mother to someone who wouldn't have a Great mother otherwise- YOU ARE A GREAT WOMAN and MOM!!! Love you

Jen said...

Wow. Here I was feeling bad that Alex is camping and I have to put the kids to bed myself. I am so glad you shared that. I can only imagine being in your shoes, but you are doing an awesome job of dealing with a painful situation.

JT is a major cutie.

Charity said...

I know what you mean. It's hard to look at life's trials and wonder, "Why me." Trust me, I have a lot of "Why me" moments. You are not alone! But, that doesn't make them any easier. What your are feeling could be a prompting, because there very well could be another spirit meant for your family. You know, it's not so different for anyone else, when wondering if their family is complete. It's seems like you can just feel it. Right? Things WILL fall into place, that hard part is being patient. In the mean time enjoy every moment with JT. You guys are a really cute family.
I love being able to feel in touch with you guys. Share your pain, and your joy. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Wright Family said...

You are totally justified in the way you feel right now. Hang in there and know that Heavenly Father understands your feelings and he's always here for you. Your in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Hi, I hope you don't mind me commenting, But I wanted to let you know I know how you feel some days. If you want to talk or anything....I'm up late most nights, feel free to call, I'll tell you some stuff that helps me come to grips with it all.
-Cheryl Hall